Couples, Cabins and Contraband

Below Deck Mediterranean S5 E11: Cabin Fever

Now with 100% less Kiko

I already miss Chef Kiko, easily the happiest and most even-keeled (pun intended) of all the chefs who have ever been on a Below Deck franchise. We get to see his teary goodbye with Hannah again, and as she and Rob waive farewell, Malia and Bugsy discuss Malia’s chef-boyfriend, Tom, and what it would be like to work with him.

Sandy has the tip meeting, reminds the crew that charters are a business, and thanks them for not letting the below deck drama affect the guests’ experience. The tip is great, and Sandy tells the crew they’ll get a day off at a beach club.

Bugsy and Alex continue their flirt-mance, and they discuss waxing Alex’s chest. Romantic? A little later, Alex calls Bugsy to the hot tub… to look at his hairy back and asks if she’ll wax him. While Pete looks on, she actually waxes him….

Malia is on the phone with Tom and tells him about the chef vacancy on the boat; she tells us he’s on the way to the UK to visit a sick family member. Malia says she’ll talk to Sandy to see if Tom can stay on the boat; Sandy says yes and mentions wanting to talk to him about finishing out the season as chef. Tom arrives, comes on the boat and meets the crew – mid Alex wax – before touring the boat and galley. Someone [Bugsy] decorates a guest cabin for Malia and Tom. Aw.

Tom meets Sandy, and he thanks her for letting him stay onboard. Sandy asks Tom about his “mad skills”, and chats with him about his resume (the guy has got lots of experience, for sure). Sandy asks him if he could help her out this season, and Tom agrees, because he’ll be able to spend more time with Malia. Sandy thanks and hugs him, but he lets her know if anything were to happen with his sick uncle, he’d have to leave.

The crew gets ready to party and they head out in their minivans. At a bar, Hannah is sad because she misses her boyfriend, Josh, and asks Rob and Jess for support since she lost Kiko. Jess says they’re there for her, and Hannah goes back to the boat. When they get back to the boat, Rob again tells Jess he loves her, and Jess says she is in love with him; Rob “speaks her same language.”

Malia asks Hannah if she’s feeling alright, and Hannah says she’s having curry-related stomach issues. Tom, in his new Wellington shirt and confessional, asks “What has Malia gotten me into this time?” So Tom is officially on board as the new chef, just like that!

Sandy calls a meeting to tell everyone Tom will be sticking around; Hannah looks upset, but everyone is relieved. Hannah tells Sandy she’s sick and won’t join the crew at the beach club. She explains in the confessional that if she has a problem with Malia she’ll automatically have a problem with Tom, and vice-versa, and she doesn’t really want to deal with that. Valid!

The crew goes to the beach club, which has a bar, lounge chairs, and of course, the beach. They hang out, drink and take pictures; Rob and Jess get super friendly on a lounge chair. Jess says she’s flying to Bali after the season and asks Rob to come with her; he says “maybe” and takes a bunch of pictures of her while they carouse in the water. Hannah is on the boat recuperating, but every single person at the beach club (even the bartender and minivan drivers) thinks Hannah is lying about being sick. Sandy checks on Hannah, who tells Sandy she’s not doing well; in her confessional, Sandy says she’ll be there for Hannah, whatever she needs.

All the couples and Pete go to dinner, and they discuss Tom’s pedigree. He’s worked with Gordon Ramsay, and we see pictures of a young Tom and get some backstory. Tom seems like a good dude, and I’m sure he’ll be up to the task of being the Wellington’s chef. They discuss cabin arrangements at dinner: Rob will move in with Jess, and Tom with Malia; Bugsy says she is not okay with rooming with Hannah. Malia in her confessional says Bugsy should just get over it.

The next day, Hannah is still sick; Bugsy goes about doing things because Hannah didn’t give them instructions for the day. Malia says Hannah could have texted the stews… Malia then talks to Hannah about cabin arrangements; Hannah says rooming with Bugsy isn’t going to happen, but Malia says hopefully they’ll be professional about the situation.

Hannah talks to Bugsy, and they agree they shouldn’t room together. Hannah tells Malia they don’t want to change cabins, and Malia gets annoyed that they won’t accommodate her and Tom (and Rob and Jess). Speaking of Rob and Jess, Hannah says she shouldn’t have to cater to people who have been hooking up for 3 weeks; Malia gets more annoyed and tells Hannah to “man up” and share a cabin with Bugsy. I can see both sides here – Tom just kinda showed up and Hannah shouldn’t have to change rooms just to accommodate Rob and Jess. Malia says they need to make room for a new team member; Hannah says there is room for Tom… bunking with Rob!

Malia says “you hired Tom,” but Hannah fires back and says she didn’t hire Tom, which is 100% accurate. Hannah and Malia go back and forth; Malia calls Hannah a f***ing idiot in her testimonial. Sandy asks Malia what’s wrong, and Malia explains the situation. Sandy takes Malia’s radio and decrees Malia and Tom will be staying in Kiko’s old cabin, and Rob has to find a new place to go. Everyone basically laughs it off, except Hannah, who doesn’t hear Sandy because she’s on the dock with headphones in.

Malia, Hannah and Tom have a preference sheet meeting for the next (3-day) charter. The guests want a beach lunch one day, and an Arabian nights party on another… fun! Bugsy tells Hannah they’re going to be rooming together, and Hannah reluctantly says it’s okay.

Rob moves in with Jess, and Jess thinks it’s weird that she and Rob are effectively now living together; she says she doesn’t like the pressure. Not sure what she expected, there?

Malia says she doesn’t understand why people are afraid of Hannah; Malia definitely isn’t. So there’s tension between Malia and Hannah, and when Malia is cleaning our her bathroom stuff, she says “dammit”…. Hannah tells Tom to let her know if he needs anything as he’s setting up his galley, and that night they all blissfully sleep in their new cabins.

But that night, in the dark, we see Sandy get a text message (not explicitly from Malia… but it’s from Malia) that says “I’m sorry but I need to report this” with a picture of a package of Valium next to a case with the initials “HF.” The next morning, everyone gets up, and Sandy asks someone named David to “be there for the whole thing.” Hannah comes looking for Sandy; Sandy tells her to sit down because it’s been brought to her attention that Hannah has drugs on board, as “TO BE CONTINUED…” flashes across the screen.

Stray Thoughts:

  • Hannah and Alex discuss Bugsy, and Hannah can only say Bugsy’s good at table decor.
  • Bugsy tells us her sister actually hooked up Tom and Malia, and that yachting is indeed a small world!
  • Is the conspiracy theory that they wanted Tom to be the chef this season but he couldn’t do it, so they hired Kiko? When Tom became available, they fired Kiko and brought in Tom? This makes more sense than Kiko being fired for not being a great chef, because he was, for the most part (nachos and a few complaints aside). Though if this theory is true, the production company and all involved are diabolical geniuses!
  • Here’s some context, as you may be wondering (as was I) about boats and medication: Malia (on Twitter, I think) explained that anyone on a boat needs to let the captain/crew know if they are on medication; a person cannot take medication unless under the supervision of a medical officer on the boat, even if it’s a prescription for that person. The medical officer basically needs to clear the person for duty, and it was Malia’s obligation to report the drugs to Sandy, since she found them. So now things make a little more sense!
  • I’m guessing this is what prompts Sandy to say “I should have fired you years ago,” (paraphrased), but perhaps we’ll see next week! M

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