Tag Archives: TV

It’s Hard to Make a Hit, Man

August 21, 2020 mikexmachina Leave a comment

But actually, women.

Hitmen | Peacock | 6 Episodes Available Now

Jamie and Fran (Mel Giedroyc and Sue Perkins, aka Mel and Sue, comediennes and former hosts of The Great British Bake Off) are not great at their jobs. Jamie is a bit of ditz, and Fran is a bit stone cold. What do they do? Well, they kill people for money; no mystery there!

The ladies work for the mysterious Mr. K, with whom they only communicate via phone; they drive around in a cleaning van to pull off their various hits. Most episodes use the in media res trope of dropping the viewer into the action mid-job, with the women’s target already acquired, but before the actual ‘job’ is done. As you might expect, things never go smoothly, and the comedy comes from Jamie and Fran trying to keep a target, fix something that’s gone horribly wrong, or be professional long enough to actually carry out their task.

Tonally, while a comedy, the show is a bit uneven; sometimes it’s straight up comedy but there are also action sequences, gun fights, and legitimate dramatic moments. These women are hitmen, after all, so they do end up actually killing people. The stories are a bit predictable; after the first few episodes, you have a feel of what to expect. I never laughed out loud, but found myself chuckling at the consistent banter and the way Mel and Sue play off each other; Jamie and Fran’s friendship is so natural, you can tell the characters (and actresses) have been friends for ages, and they look to be having a blast playing these parts.

While some of the comedy is physical, the majority of the comedic moments comes from the way Jamie and Fran speak: to each other, about each other, to their target, about their target, about a job, about the other’s personal life (or lack thereof). They’re just best mates just trying to make a living, even if that living comes from killing people.

Jamie and Fran getting advice from a target

Jamie is a bit softer than rigid Fran; in the first episode she cuts out eye and mouth holes in the bag over her target’s head so that he can play charades with the ladies. In another episode, she amuses herself by playing pranks on Fran with a joy buzzer, a rubber fried egg, and a whoopee cushion.

Fran is generally much more no-nonsense, but does break down, makeup running down her face, when discussing her husband Joao: a never-seen-on-screen gay Brazilian man who she married so he could get a green card, and how he takes advantage of her. Fran does have a soft spot for dogs, as it turns out, to her detriment.

The two complement each other very well; likewise, the supporting cast does a nice job. There’s a ‘target of the episode’ – a person who usually doesn’t even have a name, just a title: The DJ, The Bouncer, The Accountant (Fleabag‘s Sian Clifford, easily the most memorable and funniest of the targets), etc. I have to assume the writers didn’t give the targets names simply to downplay the fact these are human beings that are being snuffed out, in this… comedy… moving on…

There is also Mr. K’s ‘A-Team’, Liz (Tonya Cornelisse) and Charlie (Asim Chaudhry), who Jamie and Fran sometimes call upon to help them out, even though they’re rivals. Liz = Fran and Charlie = Jamie; that basically sums that up! Liz gets in some funny lines when making fun of Fran and Jamie, but except for 1 episode, they don’t have much to do, unfortunately.

Here are some episode highlights, to get a feel for the show:

Jamie convinces Fran to celebrate her birthday with a target in the back of the van (while waiting for Mr. K’s instructions); this includes party hats, noisemakers and McDonalds’ McFlurries from a drive-thru.

When The Accountant has an allergic reaction to soup, and Fran and Jamie don’t know what to do, Jamie consults YouTube. #ValidStrategy?

An escaped target leads the ladies around the woods while Jamie, who’s thinking of becoming a mother, tries to care for a hard boiled egg (who she’s named Pip) to show Fran she’s responsible. Meanwhile, Fran stumbles across a Brownie troupe and starts a sing along of ‘Kum Ba Yah.’
The ladies, dressed as Simon and Garfunkel, nab a DJ from a wedding.

A Russian hitman named Nikhil joins Jamie and Fran on an assignment; as the women are deciding who should be the one to give the other a ‘leg up’ over the wall, Nikhil comes back with a body.

This British import’s first season consists of 6 episodes, all under 30 minutes, and is a quick and easy binge. While I didn’t think it was hilariously funny, it definitely had its moments, and I liked it. The last episode clearly sets up a potential season 2, and I think if they do get to make another season it would change the show’s format a bit, and actually make it funnier. If for whatever reason you have a Peacock subscription, turn on those captions and give it a go! M

Wrong Couldn’t Be More Right

August 19, 2020 mikexmachina Leave a comment

The Goes Wrong Show | Amazon Prime Video | 6 Episodes Now Available

I had the great fortune to see The Play That Goes Wrong at the Lyceum Theatre in New York City in the summer of 2017. I read a brief description of the play, but couldn’t be prepared for what I was about to see. When the play began, I started laughing and didn’t stop until it was over. The premise was simple: a theater company was putting on a murder mystery, but at every turn set pieces broke, actors forgot lines, props didn’t work, hammy actors addressed the audience, and anything that could go wrong did. It was absolutely brilliant, and unlike anything I’d ever seen before.

Because I seem to have the British slapstick gene – think Mr. Bean and Benny Hill – this play was ‘right up my street.’ Mischief Theatre, the folks behind The Play That Goes Wrong has translated this formula to The Goes Wrong Show, a BBC production acquired by Amazon Prime Video. Each of the episodes is a stand-alone play put on by the Cornley Drams Society, and each goes… less than perfectly.

The actors do their best to soldier on despite the carnage around them; their visible frustration and looks to the camera when things fail are just hilarious. No matter what happens, the show must go on, so the actors do their best to get their lines out while dealing with all the mini catastrophes around them.

Here’s what to expect from the first season:

Episode 1: Christmas Special
Father Christmas (that’s Santa Claus) tries to cheer up a little girl on Christmas Eve. Props go wrong, an elf gets stuck in a chimney, and a Frosty-like snowman ends up only in underpants. It’s an unforgettable Christmas scene.

Episode 2: The Pilot Episode (Not the Pilot Episode)
In WWII, the English try to decode German messages to change the tide of the war. Hitler shows up, maps swap places, foreign phrases go horribly wrong, the telegraph machine can’t seem to get it right, and there’s no upstairs. Mon Dieu!

Episode 3: A Trial to Watch
A man is on trial for murdering his brother; their fight is seen in flashback. A tiny courtroom set, malfunctioning mismatched flashback sets, a bloody prop and dodgy dialogue all make for a hilarious time – my personal favorite!

Episode 4: The Lodge
A couple and their daughter scope out a spooky house in 1960’s England. An inaccessible kitchen, chair lift shenanigans, a mom who can’t quite keep her baby bump, and an unpredictable storm keep everyone on their toes.

Episode 5: Harper’s Locket
A young lady is engaged to a lord, but is secretly in love with the stable boy. A dangerous ceiling fan, self-playing piano, difficult doors, cats and horses interfere with the atmosphere. Pride and Prejudice this is not.

Episode 6: 90 Degrees
In the American South, siblings come home to see their ailing father and fight over the family business. Let’s just say ’90 degrees’ doesn’t just refer to the weather! Things literally go sideways, the dog doesn’t quite behave, and a twist ending will keep you guessing and laughing until the end.

The Goes Wrong Show has been renewed by the BBC for a second season, so we can hopefully expect the hijinks to continue on Amazon Prime when they’re ready to go. Having breezed through the first season, I can’t wait to see more plays and how they go so very right. M

Below Deck Med, TV

Maritime Law

August 17, 2020 mikexmachina Leave a comment

Below Deck Mediterranean | Season 5 Episode 12: There’s No Place Like Home

Picking up right where we left off, Sandy confronts Hannah about her drug possession: a prescription for Valium and a pot pen.

Sandy shows her the incriminating picture and asks Hannah to bring the drugs to her. Hannah tells Sandy she hasn’t taken Valium since she’s been on board, but we are shown footage of Hannah very clearly picking up the Valium package and going into her bathroom (sneaky editors!).

Hannah goes back to her cabin and Sandy follows her “to make sure it’s not being destroyed”; Sandy takes the drugs. Back in Sandy’s office, Hannah asks her what she should do. Sandy tells her with everything going on, she can’t go to sea with Hannah, and she’s going to finish the season [without Hannah]. Sandy says she doesn’t want to take any risks with her reputation and the law; Hannah asks for her Valium back, thanks Sandy and tells her she’ll go pack her things.

Sandy explains that due to maritime law, there’s no tolerance for this type of behavior, and what Hannah has done is illegal. If something were to happen, Sandy could be arrested, the boat incarcerated, and she could lose her license. Malia later echoes this, saying “it’s maritime law,” and they have to protect themselves from potential lawsuits if anything were to happen and Hannah wasn’t able to fulfill her duty as chief stew (or fails a drug test). #Understandable, but the situation is still a little gross, all around.

Hannah goes out to the dock and calls her boyfriend; Sandy goes out to talk to her. She says her hands are tied, legally, and she doesn’t want to go out to sea with Hannah the way she’s been – referring to Hannah’s anxiety attacks. Hannah says that’s bull****, and when Sandy tells her she cares about Hannah, Hannah doesn’t believe her. Sandy tells her she could have fired her years ago, and gets very annoyed that Hannah thinks she doesn’t care about her. She tells Hannah “Now, officially, I don’t f****** care” and tells her to pack her things and get off the boat.

In a confessional, Hannah calls Malia a snake for reporting her; when she tells Jess what happened, she says the industry is ‘dog-eat-dog’. Hannah packs her stuff and bumps into Bugsy and Malia; she tells Bugsy what happened, and says “apparently you can get fired for having anxiety attacks.” Hannah tells Malia what Sandy told her; Malia asks if her drugs were registered with the boat and Hannah tells her she doesn’t remember.

Hannah says her goodbyes, 2 hours before the next charter is to begin, and leaves the boat. “This is how it ends?!” she asks as she sits on the dock, smoking a cigarette. She says she’s very aware of maritime laws, and she should have registered the drugs; ultimately it was just a mistake on her part. We see a montage of Hannah’s time on the show – the good, bad and ugly. She says she’s sad to be leaving yachting, but the next chapter will be so much better. Thank you for your service, Hannah! It’s been a wild ride.

The crew says they can’t lose anyone else – 2nd stew, chef, and now chief stew – it has to be a new record! Sandy asks Bugsy to take over as chief stew, and Bugsy agrees. Bugsy says she’ll do whatever she can to carry on; she scrambles to come up with a game plan. She is very hands on with Jess; she shows her how to make drinks and makes lots of lists for her. Bugsy says too many times chief stews expect their stewardesses to just know how to do things. I think given the resources, Bugsy will be an excellent chief stew; it’s been clear for a while Hannah’s heart wasn’t really in it anymore…

Sandy and Malia say they’ll probably see a change in everyone after this incident, and Malia explains she had to get special permission to take Benedryl for an allergic reaction, let alone a controlled substance. Sandy says an entire boat was seized because one weed joint (!) was found. Maritime law is serious! Sandy has a meeting with the crew and explains what’s been going on. The guests finally arrive and the charter gets underway!

Tom gives his lunch menu to Bugsy and they seem to quickly work well together. The deck crew pitches in with running food; the guests seem happy… but Jess lets it slip that Tom is new, and the guests ask Sandy if she’s eaten his food yet. They complain about being served veal, but ultimately praise his food – disaster averted! The guests do ALL the water sports at once, seemingly stressing out Malia; one jet ski tips over but it’s all good.

The guests tell Bugsy they want to do a birthday party that night, off from their original schedule. Tom rolls with this, but gets annoyed at having to make a last minute cake; he complains to Malia in their cabin. Tom has a few issues with food prep and oysters; he continues to be flustered in a very British sort of way, but carries on.

At dinner, the guests mention the oysters all have grit and shells in them. Bugsy tells Tom about the shells, but the guests just want to move on to the next course. It’s lobster, which the guests say is raw; Bugsy brings them back to Tom, who pan fries the pieces of lobster, but gets angry and says he has “too much self respect for this.” Seems like Tom is off to a rough start, but just needs to find his groove. We’ll see how it goes!

After the episode, a trailer for the rest of the season was shown that includes:
Sandy telling the crew that insubordination won’t be tolerated, Johnny Damon is back, belly dancers, jellyfish, Ibiza, trouble in paradise for Rob and Jess, Tom saying he’s ‘done’, difficult docking, Malia chastising Rob, Sandy telling Malia to stay out of the galley, Sandy yelling at Tom, and Tom getting very angry. #RoughWatersAhead

Stray Thoughts

Sandy calls her headhunter Norma, again, and tells her she need another second stew! The Wellington is single-handedly keeping Norma in business.
Rob says his relationship with Jess has only gotten stronger and he’s considering going to Bali with her after the charter season.
There’s a sex toy that somehow makes the rounds around the guest cabins – the less said about that the better, I think. But Alex did get a kick out of it.
[Spoiler Alert] It’s a Below Deck Med mashup, as the new second stew is reportedly Aesha, from last season! Here’s hoping she, Bugsy and Jess are able to work together with no drama… M

Lovecraft Country, TV

Strange Country

August 17, 2020 mikexmachina Leave a comment

Lovecraft Country S1 E1: Sundown

Our heroes have been *through it*. And it’s only episode 1!

Is Lovecraft Country HBO’s answer to Stranger Things? After watching Sunday’s premiere, a case could be made: both have a story set in the past, other-wordly monsters, and a larger over-arching mystery/conspiracy. But where Stranger Things is an homage to 80’s sci-fi, Lovecraft will most likely directly borrow from the eponymous author for its stories, monsters and themes.

The story opens in a black and white film reel in which our hero Atticus ‘Tic’ Freeman (Jonathan Majors) is a soldier at war; he runs around a battlefield until the camera pans out and we see flying saucers, War of the Worlds-type alien machines with lasers, and all sorts of creatures running around attacking everything in sight. As the picture is colorized, we see a beautiful alien woman with red skin come down from a UFO and hug our hero – until Lovecraft big bad Cthulu appears behind him. As he’s about to be devoured by the winged, many-toothed, tentacled monstrocity, the beast is torn in two by a baseball bat-wielding Jackie Robinson. Still with me? Cthulu re-forms, and as #42 goes in for another whack, Tic wakes up; he was just dreaming.

In reality, veteran soldier Tic is on a bus from Kentucky to Chicago in 1950’s America. The racism is palpable from the start; when the bus breaks down, Tic and another black woman are forced to walk to the next town, while the white people are driven by a local in a truck. While walking he tells the woman about his love of pulp-fiction novels and why he’s on his way to Chicago – his father, Montrose, is missing.

In Chicago, Tic meets up with his uncle George Freeman (Courtney B. Vance), who tells him Montrose has been missing for 2 weeks. Tic tells him his father sent him a letter about his late mother’s family, and a ‘sacred, secret birthright’ that’s been kept from him. Montrose writes that his wife’s family is from “Ardham”, Massachusetts, and that he wants Tic to go with him to check them out.

At a neighborhood block party, we meet Ruby Baptiste (Wunmi Mosaku), who is singing and entertaining the crowd. Her sister, Letitia “Leti” Lewis (Jurnee Smollett), a childhood friend of Tic’s, shows up and joins her on stage; Leti tells Ruby she needs a place to stay and Ruby agrees to 2 days. When Tic tells his uncle he’s going to find Ardham, George says he’ll join him; George is writing a guide for safe travel for black people, and he says the trip will make a good addition. That night, Tic calls South Korea, and a voice on the other end says “You went home; you shouldn’t have.” Spooky! Leti joins George and and Tic – she’s hitching a ride to her brother’s house – and after George says his goodbyes to his wife and daughter, the trio sets out.

Along the way, they encounter racism at every turn, using George’s guide to navigate the Midwest. For trying to eat lunch at a diner, they are chased out of a town in their car and are followed and shot at while trying to escape. They do narrowly escape, thanks to another car that cuts off the racists and ends up flipping their truck. We see a white woman get out of the car and look at Tic as they race off to continue to Ardham. They stop off at Leti’s brother’s house, and he ends up kicking her out for not attending their mother’s funeral (a fact Ruby also brought up); it seems Leti isn’t exactly the most responsible person… our heroes then continue on their way.

As they get closer to their destination, they come across a racist sheriff, who asks them if they know what ‘sundown laws’ are; basically black people can be arrested for being out after sundown. Tic and crew manage to make it across the county line before sundown, but are ambushed by the local cops and the racist sheriff on the other side. They bring Tic, Leti and George to the middle of the woods and are trying to pin a series of recent crimes on them, when one of the cops is attacked and his arm chopped off – flashlight still in hand.

Creatures that look like giant rats with a bunch of teeth and eyes on the outside of their skin are all around them, running through the woods. The sheriff gets a chunk of his shoulder bitten off as the sheriff, another cop, Tic and Leti manage to find a cabin in the woods. George makes his way to the cabin with the fallen cop’s flashlight, and they figure out the creatures attacking them don’t like light. Leti goes back to the car to grab flares for extra light while the guys in the cabin realize the sheriff is turning into one of the monsters, like a vampire. The sheriff kills the other cop and is about to attack Tic and George when Leti rams the car into the cabin, killing him.

Leti and Tic take the flares and set them in front of the cabin; as a dozen creatures are moving in on them, they hear a whistling sound and the creatures scatter. Tic, Leti and George start walking and as the sun comes up, they arrive at a mansion; bloodied and tired, Tic goes to knock on the door, but it is opened by a man who welcomes them and says they’ve been expecting Tic…

So after a somewhat slow start, the first episode ratcheted up the horror, ended with a bang, and left us with plenty of questions. Where is Montrose? What is Tic’s ‘secret birthright’? What happened to Tic’s mother? Where did those nightmarish creatures come from, and where did they go? Lovecraft Country seems like it can go literally anywhere, and I’m on board for the ride! It definitely fills the mystery/horror void left by Stranger Things, and from the season trailer it looks like it will only get weirder – which is the only way a sci-fi show should be. M

Big Brother, TV

Expecting the Unexpected

August 14, 2020 mikexmachina Leave a comment

Big Brother All-Stars Week 1

Big Brother is back! CBS’s reality show behemoth debuted last week for its 22nd season, and brought back 16 all-star players to battle it out for $500,000. Surprisingly, this is only the second all-stars season in the show’s 20 years on the air – the first was way back in season 7 (2006) – and is very much overdue. Once again in the hosting chair is the Chenbot herself, Julie Chen-Moonves.

What’s interesting is the majority of players are from season 8 onward, with only Kaysar and Janelle returning from season 6 (though they both competed in the first all-stars season) and no one from before season 6. This works out well for me, as I only started watching BB in season 8, so I’m familiar with every houseguests except Kaysar. Big Brother icon Janelle competed in season 14, and I watched her and fellow BB alum Britney run The Amazing Race, so just like the rest of America, I know and love Janelle.

The rest of the all-stars are, with their original season(s): Dani (8 and 13), Memphis (10), Keesha (10), Kevin (11), Enzo (12), Ian (14), Cody (16), Nicole F (16 and 18), Da’Vonne (17 and 18), Christmas (19), Tyler (20), Bayleigh (20), David (21), and Nicole A (21).

The only person who’s not an all-star is David, who was evicted first last season after failing a competition. It’s a nice gesture to let him come back, but we barely got to learn his name before he was evicted, so he doesn’t really qualify for all-star status, does he?

Because of the COVID-19 of it all, the season was delayed, and for some reason CBS decided to air the houseguests moving in live in the 2-hour premiere. It was a bit of a mess, as you might expect. Some highlights:

Even though they’ve reportedly been in quarantine with COVID testing, the houseguests (4 at a time) wore masks on stage before entering the house. They were told they could remove their masks when they entered the house. Mmmkay. Why?
The houseguests didn’t know who else would be in the house, so when they saw each other for the first time they were understandably excited. Julie tried to corral them into the living room, but they weren’t listening or possibly couldn’t hear her. Julie’s joke of ‘whoever sits down last gets evicted’ didn’t land either time she said it.
The week’s Have-Nots couldn’t get into the Have-Not bedroom. The door is a small one they have to crawl through, but ultimately it wouldn’t open (and we haven’t seen the room since – only shots of it, unoccupied, as far as I remember).
The first competition, played in rounds of 4 people, was a difficult mess. The houseguests had to get a ball through a hole of a labyrinth-table, and no one could easily do it.

In the first Head of Household competition, the houseguests had to jump on stumps to make their way across the backyard; but some of the stumps were fake and wobbly and if they fell off they had to start again. Cody beat the challenge in about 22 seconds, easily smoking the competition; he became the first HOH and nominated Keesha and Kevin for eviction. In the Power of Veto, Enzo came out on top, and the Meow Meow decided not to use the veto. I didn’t like either of these comps – the veto was rocking back and forth on a giant banana to earn time to stack plastic fruit; most pieces of fruit won. It was very boring.

Slightly less boring is this season’s first gimmick: the Safety Suite! Each houseguest was given a pass to the Suite; they can use the pass to compete in a challenge only once this season. If they win the challenge, they are safe for the week and get to choose another person to be safe; however, that other person has to endure a punishment. Kaysar and Janelle competed in a competition to recreate a Twinkle Twinkle Little Star remix (yup), and Kaysar won. He obviously chose Janelle to be safe, and she was given her first punishment (!) in the BB house: a star costume (complete with lights!) to wear for the week.

In the lead up to the eviction, there were so many alliances formed, or talks of alliances, I couldn’t keep them straight. Cody seems to have deals with Enzo, Memphis, Nicole F, and Da’Vonne. Da’Vonne has a Black Girl Magic alliance with Bayleigh; Tyler and Bayleigh seem to also be working together. Ian and Nicole F, the only former winners, seem to be cooking something up. Kevin and Nicole A talked about teaming up; Janelle and Kaysar are already close, and who knows what Memphis’ proposed super alliance will ultimately look like.

On eviction night, the house unanimously evicts Keesha. Couldn’t tell you why; it just wasn’t that interesting, as first evictions usually aren’t. Julie tells Keesha she has to put on her mask, then exit the house; she does and takes a seat way across the stage from Julie for her exit interview. (Again, why?! It seems like BB said “How can we acknowledge this pandemic in the dumbest way possible?”) Keesha sees her goodbye messages and is upset to go out first but happy to have been back.

The second HOH competition was one in which the houseguests had to watch videos of a ‘comedian’ doing very bad voices and characters, then answer Julie’s true or false questions with the notorious Big Brother blocks that have to be ‘reset’.*

*Really, can we get a better system? Maybe touch screens that reset themselves? Hearing Julie constantly say ‘Please reset’ at this point is extremely annoying. Am I the only one? Bueller? On a related note, can we do away with the Diary Room voting system? Why not have all the contestants go into a room, separate from each other, and ALL VOTE AT THE SAME TIME (again, using screens)? It is way too time consuming for people to get to the DR just to say one person’s name and walk out, never mind all the shout outs to friends and family. /rant.

In the end, Memphis came out on top and was crowned the new HOH. I’m not sure who he’ll be gunning for; I’d guess Ian and Nicole F are safe bets but I’ve watched this show long enough to expect the unexpected.

With much of television production still on hiatus, I’m really happy CBS figured out how to get BB on the air and that its crazy three-nights-a-week schedule is intact. Because what’s better than watching full grown adults hurl themselves around, make and break deals, and play silly games for money?! Goofy fun wins out for me, every time. M

Below Deck Med, TV

Couples, Cabins and Contraband

August 10, 2020 mikexmachina Leave a comment

Below Deck Mediterranean S5 E11: Cabin Fever

I already miss Chef Kiko, easily the happiest and most even-keeled (pun intended) of all the chefs who have ever been on a Below Deck franchise. We get to see his teary goodbye with Hannah again, and as she and Rob waive farewell, Malia and Bugsy discuss Malia’s chef-boyfriend, Tom, and what it would be like to work with him.

Sandy has the tip meeting, reminds the crew that charters are a business, and thanks them for not letting the below deck drama affect the guests’ experience. The tip is great, and Sandy tells the crew they’ll get a day off at a beach club.

Bugsy and Alex continue their flirt-mance, and they discuss waxing Alex’s chest. Romantic? A little later, Alex calls Bugsy to the hot tub… to look at his hairy back and asks if she’ll wax him. While Pete looks on, she actually waxes him….

Malia is on the phone with Tom and tells him about the chef vacancy on the boat; she tells us he’s on the way to the UK to visit a sick family member. Malia says she’ll talk to Sandy to see if Tom can stay on the boat; Sandy says yes and mentions wanting to talk to him about finishing out the season as chef. Tom arrives, comes on the boat and meets the crew – mid Alex wax – before touring the boat and galley. Someone [Bugsy] decorates a guest cabin for Malia and Tom. Aw.

Tom meets Sandy, and he thanks her for letting him stay onboard. Sandy asks Tom about his “mad skills”, and chats with him about his resume (the guy has got lots of experience, for sure). Sandy asks him if he could help her out this season, and Tom agrees, because he’ll be able to spend more time with Malia. Sandy thanks and hugs him, but he lets her know if anything were to happen with his sick uncle, he’d have to leave.

The crew gets ready to party and they head out in their minivans. At a bar, Hannah is sad because she misses her boyfriend, Josh, and asks Rob and Jess for support since she lost Kiko. Jess says they’re there for her, and Hannah goes back to the boat. When they get back to the boat, Rob again tells Jess he loves her, and Jess says she is in love with him; Rob “speaks her same language.”

Malia asks Hannah if she’s feeling alright, and Hannah says she’s having curry-related stomach issues. Tom, in his new Wellington shirt and confessional, asks “What has Malia gotten me into this time?” So Tom is officially on board as the new chef, just like that!

Sandy calls a meeting to tell everyone Tom will be sticking around; Hannah looks upset, but everyone is relieved. Hannah tells Sandy she’s sick and won’t join the crew at the beach club. She explains in the confessional that if she has a problem with Malia she’ll automatically have a problem with Tom, and vice-versa, and she doesn’t really want to deal with that. Valid!

The crew goes to the beach club, which has a bar, lounge chairs, and of course, the beach. They hang out, drink and take pictures; Rob and Jess get super friendly on a lounge chair. Jess says she’s flying to Bali after the season and asks Rob to come with her; he says “maybe” and takes a bunch of pictures of her while they carouse in the water. Hannah is on the boat recuperating, but every single person at the beach club (even the bartender and minivan drivers) thinks Hannah is lying about being sick. Sandy checks on Hannah, who tells Sandy she’s not doing well; in her confessional, Sandy says she’ll be there for Hannah, whatever she needs.

All the couples and Pete go to dinner, and they discuss Tom’s pedigree. He’s worked with Gordon Ramsay, and we see pictures of a young Tom and get some backstory. Tom seems like a good dude, and I’m sure he’ll be up to the task of being the Wellington’s chef. They discuss cabin arrangements at dinner: Rob will move in with Jess, and Tom with Malia; Bugsy says she is not okay with rooming with Hannah. Malia in her confessional says Bugsy should just get over it.

The next day, Hannah is still sick; Bugsy goes about doing things because Hannah didn’t give them instructions for the day. Malia says Hannah could have texted the stews… Malia then talks to Hannah about cabin arrangements; Hannah says rooming with Bugsy isn’t going to happen, but Malia says hopefully they’ll be professional about the situation.

Hannah talks to Bugsy, and they agree they shouldn’t room together. Hannah tells Malia they don’t want to change cabins, and Malia gets annoyed that they won’t accommodate her and Tom (and Rob and Jess). Speaking of Rob and Jess, Hannah says she shouldn’t have to cater to people who have been hooking up for 3 weeks; Malia gets more annoyed and tells Hannah to “man up” and share a cabin with Bugsy. I can see both sides here – Tom just kinda showed up and Hannah shouldn’t have to change rooms just to accommodate Rob and Jess. Malia says they need to make room for a new team member; Hannah says there is room for Tom… bunking with Rob!

Malia says “you hired Tom,” but Hannah fires back and says she didn’t hire Tom, which is 100% accurate. Hannah and Malia go back and forth; Malia calls Hannah a f***ing idiot in her testimonial. Sandy asks Malia what’s wrong, and Malia explains the situation. Sandy takes Malia’s radio and decrees Malia and Tom will be staying in Kiko’s old cabin, and Rob has to find a new place to go. Everyone basically laughs it off, except Hannah, who doesn’t hear Sandy because she’s on the dock with headphones in.

Malia, Hannah and Tom have a preference sheet meeting for the next (3-day) charter. The guests want a beach lunch one day, and an Arabian nights party on another… fun! Bugsy tells Hannah they’re going to be rooming together, and Hannah reluctantly says it’s okay.

Rob moves in with Jess, and Jess thinks it’s weird that she and Rob are effectively now living together; she says she doesn’t like the pressure. Not sure what she expected, there?

Malia says she doesn’t understand why people are afraid of Hannah; Malia definitely isn’t. So there’s tension between Malia and Hannah, and when Malia is cleaning our her bathroom stuff, she says “dammit”…. Hannah tells Tom to let her know if he needs anything as he’s setting up his galley, and that night they all blissfully sleep in their new cabins.

But that night, in the dark, we see Sandy get a text message (not explicitly from Malia… but it’s from Malia) that says “I’m sorry but I need to report this” with a picture of a package of Valium next to a case with the initials “HF.” The next morning, everyone gets up, and Sandy asks someone named David to “be there for the whole thing.” Hannah comes looking for Sandy; Sandy tells her to sit down because it’s been brought to her attention that Hannah has drugs on board, as “TO BE CONTINUED…” flashes across the screen.

Stray Thoughts:

Hannah and Alex discuss Bugsy, and Hannah can only say Bugsy’s good at table decor.

Bugsy tells us her sister actually hooked up Tom and Malia, and that yachting is indeed a small world!

Is the conspiracy theory that they wanted Tom to be the chef this season but he couldn’t do it, so they hired Kiko? When Tom became available, they fired Kiko and brought in Tom? This makes more sense than Kiko being fired for not being a great chef, because he was, for the most part (nachos and a few complaints aside). Though if this theory is true, the production company and all involved are diabolical geniuses!

Here’s some context, as you may be wondering (as was I) about boats and medication: Malia (on Twitter, I think) explained that anyone on a boat needs to let the captain/crew know if they are on medication; a person cannot take medication unless under the supervision of a medical officer on the boat, even if it’s a prescription for that person. The medical officer basically needs to clear the person for duty, and it was Malia’s obligation to report the drugs to Sandy, since she found them. So now things make a little more sense!

I’m guessing this is what prompts Sandy to say “I should have fired you years ago,” (paraphrased), but perhaps we’ll see next week! M

Lots of Crazy Under the Umbrella

August 8, 2020 mikexmachina Leave a comment

[Spoilers for The Umbrella Academy]

“You look like Antonio Banderas with long hair. I just thought you should know.” Klaus Hargreeves to brother Diego, at an inopportune moment.

Netflix’s The Umbrella Academy has never been very concerned with the “how” of things. How do [any character]’s powers actually work? How does time travel work? How’d that character get there? Does this make the show less enjoyable? Not really, since it’s all very ridiculous, you just go with it. Season 2 picks up right where we left off, and ultimately gives us more of what we loved in season 1 with some big performances, shocking reveals, and an ending that perfectly sets up a potential season 3.

Recapping the season (here goes!):

After failing to prevent Vanya (Ellen Page) from blasting the moon and causing Earth’s destruction in 2019, Five (Aidan Gallagher) transports all the Hargreeves children back in time; however, they land in Dallas, Texas in different years: Klaus (Robert Sheehan) and Ben (Justin H. Min) in 1960, Allison (Emily Raver-Lampman) in 1961, Luther (Tom Hopper) in 1962, and Diego (David Castañeda), Vanya and Five in 1963.

Unsure of what happened to their siblings, the Hargreeves assimilate into life in the past. Five learns that, once again, the world will be destroyed in several days, and sees how this happens – JFK is never assassinated, and because of Vanya, there is a huge nuclear war with the Soviets that wipes everything out.

Five starts looking for his brothers and sisters and figuring out how to avoid another doomsday scenario. So where are the Hargreeves?

After dropping into 1963, Vanya is hit by a car and has amnesia; she only remembers her name. Sissy Cooper (Marin Ireland), the woman who hit her, takes her in on her farm, and Vanya lives there with Sissy and her family – husband Carl (Stephen Bogaert) and autistic son Harlan (Justin Paul Kelly). Vanya actually saves Harlan from drowning; she gives him mouth to mouth, and turns out, some of her powers…

Diego is thrown into an asylum, where he meets Lila Pitts (Ritu Arya); the two decide to escape, and do – after a run in with Five and a trio of Swedish brothers who try to kill them… Diego and Lila hook up, until we learn what Lila is really up to.

Klaus has, naturally, started a cult! He and Ben live in a mansion in which Klaus’ followers live hippie lifestyles and follow his teachings – which are mostly song lyrics; the cult is called ‘Destiny’s Children’, after all.

Luther has started working for Jack Ruby, and MMA-style fighting in an underground ring. There he gets to show off his werewolf-y strength and make his boss lots of money.

Allison, after being chased by racist jerks, finds her voice again in Dallas’ African-American community. She meets Ray Chestnut (Yusuf Gatewood); the two get married and become civil rights activists.

After some time, the siblings find each other and figure out how to stop the nuclear destruction. Once again it’s Vanya at the center: she goes all “White Violin” and the still-alive JFK thinks she’s a Russian spy – her name is ‘Vanya’ and she speaks Russian – so all hell breaks loose. (At this point, if I were in Allison’s place, I’d have heard a rumor Vanya could NEVER USE HER POWERS AGAIN. #justsaying)

While things are going down in Dallas, we learn The Handler (Kate Walsh), who was viciously offed last season by Hazel (Cameron Britton), is not dead! Turns out she had a metal plate in her head (convenient!) and she recovers. She returns to The Commission and learns she’s been demoted; apparently AJ Carmichael, a fish in a jar attached to a man’s body (?), is now running the place.

The Handler comes to take over The Commission by making a deal with Five: if he kills the super secret directors board and she can assume control, she’ll get him and his family home. Five agrees, takes out the board, and returns the fish in a jar as her pet. Unfortunately, Five can’t gather all his siblings together, and they miss their chance to go back to 2019.

It’s revealed that The Handler is Lila’s adoptive mother and Lila has been working for her all along. The Handler had Five kill Lila’s parents because Lila is one of the special children born on the same day as the Umbrella Academy kids (!) and she wanted Lila’s powers for her own use. She’s also manipulating the Swedes – three brothers who have been popping in and out and killing people throughout the season, who work for the The Commission. The Handler sends the brothers to kill the Umbrella Academy, but two are killed; one via landmine by The Handler/Lila to frame Diego, and the other by Allison, who in self defense, rumors one brother to kill the other.

Back to the Hargreeves: they come across their adoptive father, Reginald (Colm Feore), not-a-robot “mom” Grace (Jordan Claire Robbins), and monkey-turned-butler Pogo. The kids don’t know it, but Reginald is a part of secret organization The Majestic 12… and also an alien. Yup, Papa Hargreeves isn’t human, people! We see him take off his human face, only from behind, but see that his head is definitely alien. He kills the members of the organization when they tell him he’ll be forever indebted to them or risk his secret being exposed. Reginald meets with his future kids briefly, but only seems to have use for Five; he gives Five the advice to start small with his powers, and instead of time traveling back decades, ‘try seconds.’

Vanya is arrested for assaulting police officers while trying to run away with Sissy and Harlan; the FBI tortures her with electric shock, but all this does is piss her off and make her remember everything. She seems comatose, but goes all “White Violin” and gives off waves of energy, killing the people interrogating her. Ultimately Ben reaches her and calms her down; Ben in turns finally ‘moves on’ and asks Vanya to tell Klaus it wasn’t Klaus keeping Ben around – Ben was scared to move onto the spirit world.

Vanya is contained, and The Handler is alerted that there is a huge anomaly in the timeline; she looks at what it is, then calls in all the field agents to go to war. The anomaly, turns out, is Harlan! He’s now going all “White Violin” in the barn, and everyone goes to stop him.

The Handler shows up with Lila and hundreds of time agents; the agents are all taken out by Vanya, who now has much better control of her powers. Lila protects herself and her mother with her powers; Lila fights the Hargreeves, and The Handler goes to find Harlan. They realize Lila is one of the special children, and are all in barn telling her that mother has lied to and manipulated her all her life; as she’s realizing the truth, all the members of the Umbrella Academy are shot dead by The Handler with an automatic rifle. Lila asks her mother if it’s true and if she really loves her; The Handler shoots her dead too. She sees Five, alive and struggling, and goes to shoot him, but the last remaining Swede shows up and shoots The Handler dead.

Five takes the opportunity to ‘try seconds’ and uses his powers to go back in time just before The Handler started shooting. He stops her from killing everyone, but the Swede still shows up and shoots The Handler dead. Five and the Swede call a truce, and they race to Harlan. Vanya takes back the part of her powers she inadvertently transferred to him, and his powers subside.

The Hargreeves kids say goodbye to their lives in 1963; Sissy drives to New Mexico to start a new life with Harlan (who is levitating a toy in his hand in the back seat), and Ray reads a goodbye note Allison left for him. They use a briefcase from one of the dead time agents to finally get back home.

They teleport to the Umbrella Academy, and see the date is the day after the doomsday from the first season; they’ve won! Or have they? They walk into the parlor and notice Ben’s picture is hanging above the fireplace. An alive Reginald greets them, tells them he’s been expecting them, and that they’re at the Sparrow Academy. While children gather on the upper level looking down at them, a very much alive Ben comes in and asks who they are.

And that’s (most of) The Umbrella Academy season 2! For me it started a little slow but then picked up steam once the siblings found each other. The last scene was great, and I really hope they get to do a third season just for that cliffhanger.

Thoughts on the season:

Overall Grade: I liked it! B+ to A-

I really liked the approach of the siblings having to reconnect; it mirrored the first season, in which they hadn’t seen each other in years, but there was a sense that these characters integrated into this community and all chose such different paths. Of the storylines, I think Allison’s was the strongest, and Vanya’s the weakest.

Allison recuperating and regaining her physical voice, then becoming a voice for her community was just great. As a white dude, I can only imagine how black people must have felt when they saw signs in stores that said “Whites Only”; it was sad to watch how they were treated, and made me wonder why all the white people sitting around in a diner would tolerate that behavior? Also helping the story was the chemistry between Allison and Ray; they played perfectly off each other and were fun to watch, through it all.

Vanya’s story felt drawn out and contrived; the romance between Sissy and Vanya was so predictable you could guess every story beat: harried housewife meets stranger, wife hooks up with stranger, husband gets jealous, husband gets killed, wife gets to live her best life, blah, blah. It’s been done… a lot. When it first seemed like Sissy and Vanya would get together, I thought “Oh, Carl’s so dead” (though I’ll admit I thought Sissy would just shoot him!). I’d also ask when exactly Vanya became attracted to women, but it doesn’t matter. They could have cut the relationship stuff right out, and just had Harlan get Vanya’s powers and the story wouldn’t have changed at all.

On that note, I did think there was a bunch of stuff they could have cut out: the nerdy guy who got killed by the Swedes (Elliot?), Diego’s recruitment to The Commission, the 2 Fives bit. I think Luther and Klaus got sidelined a bit for Diego and Vanya, but it was great to see more Ben and The Handler, and I liked Lila and thought she fit in really well with the series.

Ben played a much bigger role this season, and it was nice to have him around more; whether inhabiting Klaus’ body, reconnecting with Diego, or talking Vanya off the ledge, he brought a different (more mellow) energy to the show.

I loved Kate Walsh as The Handler in season 1 and loved her even more in season 2. Not only does she look like she’s having the time of her life, but she manages to bring some nuance to this utterly crazy character who looks like she just stepped out of Wonderland. You really wonder just how nuts she is, and what she’s actually feeling, if anything. She ate a fish and spoke Swedish, for Pete’s sake! Cast this woman in everything – she can do it all! M

Clean Sweep

August 5, 2020 mikexmachina Leave a comment

The prime time game show renaissance is currently in full swing on the ABC network, with past hits like Match Game, Press Your Luck, To Tell the Truth, and seemingly un-killable Family Feud going strong.

ABC is once again dipping into the well of game shows and bringing back a cult classic: Supermarket Sweep. Leslie Jones of SNL is set to host the show, which recently resumed production after shutting down due to COVID-19.

The original version of Sweep ran on ABC from 1965 – 1967; it was revived on then-fledgling cable network Lifetime from 1990 – 1995, and then again on the PAX Network (now ION TV) from 2000 – 2003. The modern incarnations (to which I’ll be referring) were hosted by king of the sweaters David Ruprecht:

He eventually moved to button-down shirts with ties, but sweaters were better

The premise was simple: 3 teams of 2 (usually 2 groups of women and 1 man/woman couple) competed for time to race around the supermarket to gather up groceries; whoever had the highest dollar total then went on to the big sweep, where they could win $5,000. To start, each team was given 1:30 for their sweep.

To add time, the contestants had to correctly answer food and brand related trivia questions: deciphering anagrams of brand names, choosing the correct answer from a list of phrases, or even taste-testing products (one lady correctly identified a frozen Dove bar by taste). For each correct answer, the team would get an additional 10 seconds for their sweep.

There were 2 trivia rounds, and the first question of each round was a ‘mini-sweep’ in which the partner of the contestant who answered correctly had to run and get the item that was the answer to the question. If they did, they got money added to their end-of-game total. The partners were then sent away, and the 3 contestants would continue; in the second round they switched and the partners would play. The last part of the trivia round was always the round-robin, in which both contestants in a team switched off answering questions. Sweep times were finalized and 1 contestant from each group was chosen to run the sweep.

The sweep part of the show had the contestants change into red, green and yellow sweaters (I’m guessing this just made it easier to tell the contestants apart for filming/commentating). The host would tell the contestants about special items that would bump up their totals, including huge inflatables with bonus stickers on them, ground coffee, 1 lb bag of candy, or ‘shopping lists’ – specific sets of items. There would also be monitors in the store that could be used to get clues for an additional special item.

One at a time, 1 contestant from each team would be released into the store with a shopping cart; they raced like crazy, grabbing the most expensive items to quickly rack up the dollars. A commentator would describe the action (Johnny Gilbert – longtime announcer for Jeopardy, commentated for the Lifetime version), and hilarity often ensued. “He races right past the clue to go for the hams!” “She’s having a hard time getting to a pound of candy!” “She found the Shake N Bake!”. When a cart was filled they’d furiously rush to the front of the store to grab another and start again.

Once time expired, the bonuses and groceries were totaled, and the team with the highest amount won the right to go for the grand prize: $5,000, hidden in the store. They were given a clue to a specially-marked product, and had to find it – that product in turn had the next clue on it, and if they found all 3 products within 1 minute, they won the cash.

So why is Supermarket Sweep a phenomenon, and why does it still hold up today? 90’s nostalgia aside, I think it’s beloved for a few reasons: first, unless you’re doing all your grocery shopping online, we all go to the supermarket. Grocery shopping in the U.S. is pretty standard, and we’ve all experienced it: the carts, the aisles, the rude people who leave their carts in the middle of the aisles…

Second, we love trivia! And this is trivia about food and brands! I don’t think anyone would argue that Americans. Love. Food. And we know and love our brands (brand loyalty is real); we recognize the slogans and logos because we’re inundated with ads. So when we answer along with the contestants, we feel smart for knowing all about the products we see on a weekly basis.

Finally, it’s fun! Who wouldn’t want to grab a cart and go tear up your local Shop Rite?! I also loved seeing the contestants’ strategies, and of course, criticizing them to no end. “Big jugs of olive oil, smart.” “Garbage pails? Are they really that expensive?” “THE NAPKINS ARE RIGHT THERE, JUST TURN AROUND BECKY!”

For the 2020 version I think they should tweak the trivia rounds to be more exciting; they were usually the weakest part – often all 3 contestants would stare blankly after a question was read, until the ‘time’s up’ buzzer went off. I think having the questions on a screen and not just read aloud would also help both the contestants and the viewers. They could also injected some comedy into the trivia, and not just rattle off facts about brands…

That said, I’m excited the show is coming back, and would be happy if they kept things mostly the same with a modern face lift. In the meantime, while the iron’s hot and Tom Bergeron needs a new gig, I think it’s time to start a change.org petition to revive Shop Til You Drop… M

On Doom Patrol

July 29, 2020 mikexmachina Leave a comment

“I’ve seen a lot of s***. But this? Y’all ain’t right.”

Roni Evers sums up the series in one sentence.

[Potential spoilers for Doom Patrol seasons 1 and 2]

The DC Universe (and now HBO Max) show Doom Patrol is about a group of unconventional heroes. Led by Dr. Niles Caulder (Timothy Dalton), aka The Chief, the Doom Patrol consists of:

Rita Farr (April Bowby): a golden age era actress with elastic skin who is unable to fully control when and where she becomes elastic. When she is upset, for example, her facial skin starts to droop.

Larry Trainor (voiced by Matt Bomer): a pilot with a being of energy – the “Negative Spirit” – in his body; his body was irradiated and burned, requiring him to wear bandages from head to toe.

Cliff Steele (voiced by Brendan Fraser): a race car driver who’s brain was transplanted into a robot by The Chief.

Crazy Jane (Diane Guerrero): Kay Challis, a young woman with 64 personalities, each with a different super power.

Cyborg (Joivan Wade): Vic Stone, a young man with cybernetic enhance-ments including an operating system/supercomputer called GRID.

The Doom Patrol (minus Cyborg, who was out being heroic somewhere)

Each of our heroes has a tragic backstory, and when they cross paths with The Chief, he takes them in to live at Doom Manor in Ohio. When they decide they’ve been cooped up in the mansion for too long and venture out into the nearby town of Cloverton, hijinks ensue. Rita ends up becoming unstable and her body morphs into a giant blob; Larry’s negative energy releases from his body and fries everything in its path. Jane becomes a giant entity with a flaming head ready to incinerate Rita, but Cliff grabs the road and lifts it up to block Rita’s path. The team retreats, and when they return to Cloverton with The Chief, find a donkey roaming around. The donkey farts, and the visible gas that rises forms the words “The mind is the limit.” Season 1’s big bad, Mr. Nobody (Alan Tudyk), a fourth wall breaking narrator able to time travel and warp reality, creates a giant sinkhole in the middle of town which sucks in everything around it… and that’s the end of episode 1.

The Doom Patrol has faced adversaries, among others: a goat who can transport people to different dimensions, Doctor Tyme – a man with a clock for a head who controls spacetime, a giant sentient cockroach, a cult bent on bringing about the end of the world via a huge eyeball in the sky, Beard Hunter – a man who eats facial hair and can track down its owner, and recently Scants – pink mite-like infections that cause their victims to have terrible ideas. Their allies are just as strange: Flex Mentallo (Devan Chandler Long) is a strongman who can flex his muscles to alter reality. Danny the Street is a sentient street on which colorful residents – Dannyzens – live. Willoughby Kipling (Mark Sheppard) is a magician and member of the Knights Templar. And Roni Evers, who so succinctly summed up the Doom Patrol, is an ex-soldier who had cybernetic enhancements grafted into her body; though these were forcibly removed.

Doom Patrol is delightfully odd, and leans into that oddness whenever possible. A team called Sex-Men tasked with clearing out sexual ghosts? Sure. A man who, because he wants super powers, undergoes “treatment” and becomes a being with a human head, a second dinosaur head, and tree limbs? Absolutely. Wall-crawling butts with limbs and razor teeth? You betcha. Season 2 goes a bit crazier, introducing Niles’ daughter Dorothy Spinner (Abigail Shapiro) and her ability to manifest imaginary friends.

It is so unlike any super hero show that’s come before it, much to its credit; it’s not afraid to be at the same time weird and strange and moral and cringey and taboo. It asks “What would happen if people stumbled into becoming super heroes?” Can people who are deeply flawed and struggle with responsibility, guilt, remorse, and even sanity really help the rest of humanity? At this point several members of the team don’t have full control of their powers; Rita and Larry struggle, but are making strides while also battling their personal demons.

The performances are incredible all around, but the true star of the show has to be Diane Guerrero as Crazy Jane. Jane changes personalities on a whim, and each one has not only a specific super power, but physical appearance and personal affectations as well. Guerrero effortlessly flits between each personality while making them all seem distinct – you thoroughly believe you are watching different people housed in Jane’s body. Karen, the homemaker and hopeless romantic, is worlds apart from Baby Doll, the young girl who just wants to play and make friends. Hammerhead is the tattooed tough as nails enforcer, while Penny Farthing is a shy British girl with a stutter. Silver Tongue can create sharp metal words from her speech, which she uses to throw at people, while Lucy Fugue can control electricity. It’s all incredible to watch as one personality switches into another, and hopefully they can touch on many more of the residents of The Undergound – the metaphorical place in Kay’s mind where the personalities reside.

If you’re sick of the same old super hero tropes, check out Doom Patrol (and its polar opposite, DC’s Stargirl). I’ve never read the Doom Patrol comics (though I’ve read through a bunch of wikis for some context), so I’m usually pleasantly surprised where the stories go, and there’s quite literally nothing the show can’t do in its universe. Its mix of action, absurdity, humor and outright weirdness are really something to behold.

Come Dine With Me

July 26, 2020 mikexmachina Leave a comment

Over the past few months, working from home, I’ve had the opportunity to indulge in my obsession with television. I’ve re-watched shows like Cougar Town and 30 Rock. I’ve watched popular shows I’d never seen before like Scrubs and Happy Endings (finally understanding why people are still to this day upset it was canceled!) And I’ve stumbled upon shows that I’d never even heard of; the most entertaining of which has to be a little British show called Come Dine With Me. It’s a game show. It’s a reality show. It’s pure genius.

The premise is simple: 4 or 5 people who live in the same area each take turns throwing a dinner party for the others. At the end of each night – in the taxi on the way home – the guests give the host a score from 1 – 10. Whoever has the most points at the end of the week wins £1,000. The show is hosted by a never-seen narrator (Dave Lamb) and has been on the air in England since 2004 (!).

The show starts by introducing the contestants; the narrator will give some exposition: “First up is Karen, an estate agent from Essex” for example, and then will go through the menu for the first dinner party. The rest of the contestants are introduced, while reading the menu and giving their comments. “Black pudding, as a starter?” or “What on earth is venison – is it lamb?” The show proceeds to show the host preparing for the dinner party, by cooking or preparing the food to be cooked that night. The guests arrive one by one (usually with gift in hand), introduce themselves, and the dinner party gets underway. Each meal has an appetizer, main course and dessert, and can be whatever the host chooses. It is also completely up the host whether or not he chooses to make everything from scratch, or buy things from store to serve – and this becomes a main topic in almost every episode. “Is this shop-bought pastry?” is a common question on CDWM. The diners will take turns in confessionals commenting on the night’s events, and how they think things are going (they’re usually wrong).

At the dinner table, the diners come up with their own banter: “Which celebrity does Kevin look like?” “What do you do for a living?” “Have you ever met the queen?” While the host is preparing the food, the others will have a look around the house, and this often leads to interesting dinner conversation. Sometimes, if they aren’t meshing well there will be awkward silence – broken for us viewers by the narrator yelling “Someone say something!” For the most part, the diners get along and have fun conversations. When one diner refers to another as a fiery dragon (on Couples Come Dine With Me – a topic for another time), or when one asks another if he’s gay because he has a pink refrigerator, it can be a little cringey, but ultimately very entertaining. Even when diners don’t get along, it’s not all that serious, and at the end of the week they just decide to never see each other again.

The food, and prep, is a whole topic itself. I find it thoroughly entertaining to watch these definitely-not-professional chefs prepare meals, and implement what they think are good ideas. Pink unicorn fairy cake for dessert? Sure. Dauphinoise potatoes are apparently on everyone’s menu (We know these as potatoes au gratin, and I don’t know where they’re popular?). There are kitchen mishaps, food burnt, and dodgy cooking techniques that really must be seen, and not described. Though narrator Dave Lamb seems to have a lot a fun describing, commenting and insulting. “Hands!” he’ll shout, if a cook puts his hand in something. Or if something is store-bought, he’ll make a comment like “Well, you didn’t make that from scratch.” It’s a lot more hilarious than it sounds, trust me. The fist clip I saw of the show, which got me hooked immediately, was of a contestant named Tina, who didn’t make anything for her main course. The narrator explains: “Curry from a jar, microwaved rice, and a shop-bought flatbread. This could be interesting.” The diners ask her how things were prepared and she fumbles through telling them that she didn’t actually do anything herself. My favorite part of the night is when dinner is over and after a possibly awkward comment or encounter the narrator yells “Taxi!”, as we cut to the taxicab scoring.

In most cases where the diners don’t like a host’s food, they generally do not let the host know when they’re eating it; they usually wait until a confessional or taxi ride home to rip everything apart – sometimes savagely. But in some cases a diner will harshly criticize a host, then turn around and score them a 7 out of 10. It’s a funny battle between being nice, honest, and cutthroat – this is, after all, a competition. The scoring is based on the diner’s overall experience and seems completely arbitrary, though they all usually break it down into food, hosting, and entertainment. Yes, some hosts provide entertainment for the dinner party; examples: karaoke, salsa dancing lessons, aviation simulation, or a song sung by an X-Factor contestant.

When all the diners have taken turns hosting, the winner is revealed, and it’s the last host’s duty to do so. They bring out the £1,000 cash under a silver cloche, with a scroll that lists the contestants and their places. The host reveals each place, last through first, and the winner gets the prize. In one infamous clip, a salty final host throws a temper tantrum because he didn’t win – Google “Enjoy the money, Jane”. But usually, the show ends happily to catchy (and appropriate) song while the credits roll. Episodes of the show can be found on YouTube and all around the internet, and if you’re a fan of reality shows, cooking shows, or British humor, you should give it a go.

According to Wikipedia, there were 2 failed attempts to bring this show to the US: Dinner Takes All in 2006 on TLC, and Come Dine With Me on Lifetime in 2013. I haven’t seen the American versions, so I can’t say why the show failed here, twice. A few possibilities: either people were too polite and the show was boring, or people were too rude and the show came off as trashy. The show has been exported to over 30 countries, so food with side of snark may just be the true universal language.

mike in the machine