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Below Deck Med, TV

Maritime Law

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Below Deck Mediterranean | Season 5 Episode 12: There’s No Place Like Home

Picking up right where we left off, Sandy confronts Hannah about her drug possession: a prescription for Valium and a pot pen.

Sandy shows her the incriminating picture and asks Hannah to bring the drugs to her. Hannah tells Sandy she hasn’t taken Valium since she’s been on board, but we are shown footage of Hannah very clearly picking up the Valium package and going into her bathroom (sneaky editors!).

Hannah goes back to her cabin and Sandy follows her “to make sure it’s not being destroyed”; Sandy takes the drugs. Back in Sandy’s office, Hannah asks her what she should do. Sandy tells her with everything going on, she can’t go to sea with Hannah, and she’s going to finish the season [without Hannah]. Sandy says she doesn’t want to take any risks with her reputation and the law; Hannah asks for her Valium back, thanks Sandy and tells her she’ll go pack her things.

Sandy explains that due to maritime law, there’s no tolerance for this type of behavior, and what Hannah has done is illegal. If something were to happen, Sandy could be arrested, the boat incarcerated, and she could lose her license. Malia later echoes this, saying “it’s maritime law,” and they have to protect themselves from potential lawsuits if anything were to happen and Hannah wasn’t able to fulfill her duty as chief stew (or fails a drug test). #Understandable, but the situation is still a little gross, all around.

Hannah goes out to the dock and calls her boyfriend; Sandy goes out to talk to her. She says her hands are tied, legally, and she doesn’t want to go out to sea with Hannah the way she’s been – referring to Hannah’s anxiety attacks. Hannah says that’s bull****, and when Sandy tells her she cares about Hannah, Hannah doesn’t believe her. Sandy tells her she could have fired her years ago, and gets very annoyed that Hannah thinks she doesn’t care about her. She tells Hannah “Now, officially, I don’t f****** care” and tells her to pack her things and get off the boat.

In a confessional, Hannah calls Malia a snake for reporting her; when she tells Jess what happened, she says the industry is ‘dog-eat-dog’. Hannah packs her stuff and bumps into Bugsy and Malia; she tells Bugsy what happened, and says “apparently you can get fired for having anxiety attacks.” Hannah tells Malia what Sandy told her; Malia asks if her drugs were registered with the boat and Hannah tells her she doesn’t remember.

Hannah says her goodbyes, 2 hours before the next charter is to begin, and leaves the boat. “This is how it ends?!” she asks as she sits on the dock, smoking a cigarette. She says she’s very aware of maritime laws, and she should have registered the drugs; ultimately it was just a mistake on her part. We see a montage of Hannah’s time on the show – the good, bad and ugly. She says she’s sad to be leaving yachting, but the next chapter will be so much better. Thank you for your service, Hannah! It’s been a wild ride.

The crew says they can’t lose anyone else – 2nd stew, chef, and now chief stew – it has to be a new record! Sandy asks Bugsy to take over as chief stew, and Bugsy agrees. Bugsy says she’ll do whatever she can to carry on; she scrambles to come up with a game plan. She is very hands on with Jess; she shows her how to make drinks and makes lots of lists for her. Bugsy says too many times chief stews expect their stewardesses to just know how to do things. I think given the resources, Bugsy will be an excellent chief stew; it’s been clear for a while Hannah’s heart wasn’t really in it anymore…

Sandy and Malia say they’ll probably see a change in everyone after this incident, and Malia explains she had to get special permission to take Benedryl for an allergic reaction, let alone a controlled substance. Sandy says an entire boat was seized because one weed joint (!) was found. Maritime law is serious! Sandy has a meeting with the crew and explains what’s been going on. The guests finally arrive and the charter gets underway!

Tom gives his lunch menu to Bugsy and they seem to quickly work well together. The deck crew pitches in with running food; the guests seem happy… but Jess lets it slip that Tom is new, and the guests ask Sandy if she’s eaten his food yet. They complain about being served veal, but ultimately praise his food – disaster averted! The guests do ALL the water sports at once, seemingly stressing out Malia; one jet ski tips over but it’s all good.

The guests tell Bugsy they want to do a birthday party that night, off from their original schedule. Tom rolls with this, but gets annoyed at having to make a last minute cake; he complains to Malia in their cabin. Tom has a few issues with food prep and oysters; he continues to be flustered in a very British sort of way, but carries on.

At dinner, the guests mention the oysters all have grit and shells in them. Bugsy tells Tom about the shells, but the guests just want to move on to the next course. It’s lobster, which the guests say is raw; Bugsy brings them back to Tom, who pan fries the pieces of lobster, but gets angry and says he has “too much self respect for this.” Seems like Tom is off to a rough start, but just needs to find his groove. We’ll see how it goes!

After the episode, a trailer for the rest of the season was shown that includes:
Sandy telling the crew that insubordination won’t be tolerated, Johnny Damon is back, belly dancers, jellyfish, Ibiza, trouble in paradise for Rob and Jess, Tom saying he’s ‘done’, difficult docking, Malia chastising Rob, Sandy telling Malia to stay out of the galley, Sandy yelling at Tom, and Tom getting very angry. #RoughWatersAhead

Stray Thoughts

  • Sandy calls her headhunter Norma, again, and tells her she need another second stew! The Wellington is single-handedly keeping Norma in business.

  • Rob says his relationship with Jess has only gotten stronger and he’s considering going to Bali with her after the charter season.

  • There’s a sex toy that somehow makes the rounds around the guest cabins – the less said about that the better, I think. But Alex did get a kick out of it.

  • [Spoiler Alert] It’s a Below Deck Med mashup, as the new second stew is reportedly Aesha, from last season! Here’s hoping she, Bugsy and Jess are able to work together with no drama… M
Lovecraft Country, TV

Strange Country

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Lovecraft Country S1 E1: Sundown

Our heroes have been through it. And it’s only episode 1!

Is Lovecraft Country HBO’s answer to Stranger Things? After watching Sunday’s premiere, a case could be made: both have a story set in the past, other-wordly monsters, and a larger over-arching mystery/conspiracy. But where Stranger Things is an homage to 80’s sci-fi, Lovecraft will most likely directly borrow from the eponymous author for its stories, monsters and themes.

The story opens in a black and white film reel in which our hero Atticus ‘Tic’ Freeman (Jonathan Majors) is a soldier at war; he runs around a battlefield until the camera pans out and we see flying saucers, War of the Worlds-type alien machines with lasers, and all sorts of creatures running around attacking everything in sight. As the picture is colorized, we see a beautiful alien woman with red skin come down from a UFO and hug our hero – until Lovecraft big bad Cthulu appears behind him. As he’s about to be devoured by the winged, many-toothed, tentacled monstrocity, the beast is torn in two by a baseball bat-wielding Jackie Robinson. Still with me? Cthulu re-forms, and as #42 goes in for another whack, Tic wakes up; he was just dreaming.

In reality, veteran soldier Tic is on a bus from Kentucky to Chicago in 1950’s America. The racism is palpable from the start; when the bus breaks down, Tic and another black woman are forced to walk to the next town, while the white people are driven by a local in a truck. While walking he tells the woman about his love of pulp-fiction novels and why he’s on his way to Chicago – his father, Montrose, is missing.

In Chicago, Tic meets up with his uncle George Freeman (Courtney B. Vance), who tells him Montrose has been missing for 2 weeks. Tic tells him his father sent him a letter about his late mother’s family, and a ‘sacred, secret birthright’ that’s been kept from him. Montrose writes that his wife’s family is from “Ardham”, Massachusetts, and that he wants Tic to go with him to check them out.

At a neighborhood block party, we meet Ruby Baptiste (Wunmi Mosaku), who is singing and entertaining the crowd. Her sister, Letitia “Leti” Lewis (Jurnee Smollett), a childhood friend of Tic’s, shows up and joins her on stage; Leti tells Ruby she needs a place to stay and Ruby agrees to 2 days. When Tic tells his uncle he’s going to find Ardham, George says he’ll join him; George is writing a guide for safe travel for black people, and he says the trip will make a good addition. That night, Tic calls South Korea, and a voice on the other end says “You went home; you shouldn’t have.” Spooky! Leti joins George and and Tic – she’s hitching a ride to her brother’s house – and after George says his goodbyes to his wife and daughter, the trio sets out.

Along the way, they encounter racism at every turn, using George’s guide to navigate the Midwest. For trying to eat lunch at a diner, they are chased out of a town in their car and are followed and shot at while trying to escape. They do narrowly escape, thanks to another car that cuts off the racists and ends up flipping their truck. We see a white woman get out of the car and look at Tic as they race off to continue to Ardham. They stop off at Leti’s brother’s house, and he ends up kicking her out for not attending their mother’s funeral (a fact Ruby also brought up); it seems Leti isn’t exactly the most responsible person… our heroes then continue on their way.

As they get closer to their destination, they come across a racist sheriff, who asks them if they know what ‘sundown laws’ are; basically black people can be arrested for being out after sundown. Tic and crew manage to make it across the county line before sundown, but are ambushed by the local cops and the racist sheriff on the other side. They bring Tic, Leti and George to the middle of the woods and are trying to pin a series of recent crimes on them, when one of the cops is attacked and his arm chopped off – flashlight still in hand.

Creatures that look like giant rats with a bunch of teeth and eyes on the outside of their skin are all around them, running through the woods. The sheriff gets a chunk of his shoulder bitten off as the sheriff, another cop, Tic and Leti manage to find a cabin in the woods. George makes his way to the cabin with the fallen cop’s flashlight, and they figure out the creatures attacking them don’t like light. Leti goes back to the car to grab flares for extra light while the guys in the cabin realize the sheriff is turning into one of the monsters, like a vampire. The sheriff kills the other cop and is about to attack Tic and George when Leti rams the car into the cabin, killing him.

Leti and Tic take the flares and set them in front of the cabin; as a dozen creatures are moving in on them, they hear a whistling sound and the creatures scatter. Tic, Leti and George start walking and as the sun comes up, they arrive at a mansion; bloodied and tired, Tic goes to knock on the door, but it is opened by a man who welcomes them and says they’ve been expecting Tic…

So after a somewhat slow start, the first episode ratcheted up the horror, ended with a bang, and left us with plenty of questions. Where is Montrose? What is Tic’s ‘secret birthright’? What happened to Tic’s mother? Where did those nightmarish creatures come from, and where did they go? Lovecraft Country seems like it can go literally anywhere, and I’m on board for the ride! It definitely fills the mystery/horror void left by Stranger Things, and from the season trailer it looks like it will only get weirder – which is the only way a sci-fi show should be. M

Big Brother, TV

Expecting the Unexpected

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Big Brother All-Stars Week 1

Season 22!

Big Brother is back! CBS’s reality show behemoth debuted last week for its 22nd season, and brought back 16 all-star players to battle it out for $500,000. Surprisingly, this is only the second all-stars season in the show’s 20 years on the air – the first was way back in season 7 (2006) – and is very much overdue. Once again in the hosting chair is the Chenbot herself, Julie Chen-Moonves.

What’s interesting is the majority of players are from season 8 onward, with only Kaysar and Janelle returning from season 6 (though they both competed in the first all-stars season) and no one from before season 6. This works out well for me, as I only started watching BB in season 8, so I’m familiar with every houseguests except Kaysar. Big Brother icon Janelle competed in season 14, and I watched her and fellow BB alum Britney run The Amazing Race, so just like the rest of America, I know and love Janelle.

The rest of the all-stars are, with their original season(s): Dani (8 and 13), Memphis (10), Keesha (10), Kevin (11), Enzo (12), Ian (14), Cody (16), Nicole F (16 and 18), Da’Vonne (17 and 18), Christmas (19), Tyler (20), Bayleigh (20), David (21), and Nicole A (21).

The only person who’s not an all-star is David, who was evicted first last season after failing a competition. It’s a nice gesture to let him come back, but we barely got to learn his name before he was evicted, so he doesn’t really qualify for all-star status, does he?

Because of the COVID-19 of it all, the season was delayed, and for some reason CBS decided to air the houseguests moving in live in the 2-hour premiere. It was a bit of a mess, as you might expect. Some highlights:

  • Even though they’ve reportedly been in quarantine with COVID testing, the houseguests (4 at a time) wore masks on stage before entering the house. They were told they could remove their masks when they entered the house. Mmmkay. Why?

  • The houseguests didn’t know who else would be in the house, so when they saw each other for the first time they were understandably excited. Julie tried to corral them into the living room, but they weren’t listening or possibly couldn’t hear her. Julie’s joke of ‘whoever sits down last gets evicted’ didn’t land either time she said it.

  • The week’s Have-Nots couldn’t get into the Have-Not bedroom. The door is a small one they have to crawl through, but ultimately it wouldn’t open (and we haven’t seen the room since – only shots of it, unoccupied, as far as I remember).

  • The first competition, played in rounds of 4 people, was a difficult mess. The houseguests had to get a ball through a hole of a labyrinth-table, and no one could easily do it.

In the first Head of Household competition, the houseguests had to jump on stumps to make their way across the backyard; but some of the stumps were fake and wobbly and if they fell off they had to start again. Cody beat the challenge in about 22 seconds, easily smoking the competition; he became the first HOH and nominated Keesha and Kevin for eviction. In the Power of Veto, Enzo came out on top, and the Meow Meow decided not to use the veto. I didn’t like either of these comps – the veto was rocking back and forth on a giant banana to earn time to stack plastic fruit; most pieces of fruit won. It was very boring.

Slightly less boring is this season’s first gimmick: the Safety Suite! Each houseguest was given a pass to the Suite; they can use the pass to compete in a challenge only once this season. If they win the challenge, they are safe for the week and get to choose another person to be safe; however, that other person has to endure a punishment. Kaysar and Janelle competed in a competition to recreate a Twinkle Twinkle Little Star remix (yup), and Kaysar won. He obviously chose Janelle to be safe, and she was given her first punishment (!) in the BB house: a star costume (complete with lights!) to wear for the week.

In the lead up to the eviction, there were so many alliances formed, or talks of alliances, I couldn’t keep them straight. Cody seems to have deals with Enzo, Memphis, Nicole F, and Da’Vonne. Da’Vonne has a Black Girl Magic alliance with Bayleigh; Tyler and Bayleigh seem to also be working together. Ian and Nicole F, the only former winners, seem to be cooking something up. Kevin and Nicole A talked about teaming up; Janelle and Kaysar are already close, and who knows what Memphis’ proposed super alliance will ultimately look like.

On eviction night, the house unanimously evicts Keesha. Couldn’t tell you why; it just wasn’t that interesting, as first evictions usually aren’t. Julie tells Keesha she has to put on her mask, then exit the house; she does and takes a seat way across the stage from Julie for her exit interview. (Again, why?! It seems like BB said “How can we acknowledge this pandemic in the dumbest way possible?”) Keesha sees her goodbye messages and is upset to go out first but happy to have been back.

The second HOH competition was one in which the houseguests had to watch videos of a ‘comedian’ doing very bad voices and characters, then answer Julie’s true or false questions with the notorious Big Brother blocks that have to be ‘reset’.*

*Really, can we get a better system? Maybe touch screens that reset themselves? Hearing Julie constantly say ‘Please reset’ at this point is extremely annoying. Am I the only one? Bueller? On a related note, can we do away with the Diary Room voting system? Why not have all the contestants go into a room, separate from each other, and ALL VOTE AT THE SAME TIME (again, using screens)? It is way too time consuming for people to get to the DR just to say one person’s name and walk out, never mind all the shout outs to friends and family. /rant.

In the end, Memphis came out on top and was crowned the new HOH. I’m not sure who he’ll be gunning for; I’d guess Ian and Nicole F are safe bets but I’ve watched this show long enough to expect the unexpected.

With much of television production still on hiatus, I’m really happy CBS figured out how to get BB on the air and that its crazy three-nights-a-week schedule is intact. Because what’s better than watching full grown adults hurl themselves around, make and break deals, and play silly games for money?! Goofy fun wins out for me, every time. M

Below Deck Med, TV

Couples, Cabins and Contraband

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Below Deck Mediterranean S5 E11: Cabin Fever

Now with 100% less Kiko

I already miss Chef Kiko, easily the happiest and most even-keeled (pun intended) of all the chefs who have ever been on a Below Deck franchise. We get to see his teary goodbye with Hannah again, and as she and Rob waive farewell, Malia and Bugsy discuss Malia’s chef-boyfriend, Tom, and what it would be like to work with him.

Sandy has the tip meeting, reminds the crew that charters are a business, and thanks them for not letting the below deck drama affect the guests’ experience. The tip is great, and Sandy tells the crew they’ll get a day off at a beach club.

Bugsy and Alex continue their flirt-mance, and they discuss waxing Alex’s chest. Romantic? A little later, Alex calls Bugsy to the hot tub… to look at his hairy back and asks if she’ll wax him. While Pete looks on, she actually waxes him….

Malia is on the phone with Tom and tells him about the chef vacancy on the boat; she tells us he’s on the way to the UK to visit a sick family member. Malia says she’ll talk to Sandy to see if Tom can stay on the boat; Sandy says yes and mentions wanting to talk to him about finishing out the season as chef. Tom arrives, comes on the boat and meets the crew – mid Alex wax – before touring the boat and galley. Someone [Bugsy] decorates a guest cabin for Malia and Tom. Aw.

Tom meets Sandy, and he thanks her for letting him stay onboard. Sandy asks Tom about his “mad skills”, and chats with him about his resume (the guy has got lots of experience, for sure). Sandy asks him if he could help her out this season, and Tom agrees, because he’ll be able to spend more time with Malia. Sandy thanks and hugs him, but he lets her know if anything were to happen with his sick uncle, he’d have to leave.

The crew gets ready to party and they head out in their minivans. At a bar, Hannah is sad because she misses her boyfriend, Josh, and asks Rob and Jess for support since she lost Kiko. Jess says they’re there for her, and Hannah goes back to the boat. When they get back to the boat, Rob again tells Jess he loves her, and Jess says she is in love with him; Rob “speaks her same language.”

Malia asks Hannah if she’s feeling alright, and Hannah says she’s having curry-related stomach issues. Tom, in his new Wellington shirt and confessional, asks “What has Malia gotten me into this time?” So Tom is officially on board as the new chef, just like that!

Sandy calls a meeting to tell everyone Tom will be sticking around; Hannah looks upset, but everyone is relieved. Hannah tells Sandy she’s sick and won’t join the crew at the beach club. She explains in the confessional that if she has a problem with Malia she’ll automatically have a problem with Tom, and vice-versa, and she doesn’t really want to deal with that. Valid!

The crew goes to the beach club, which has a bar, lounge chairs, and of course, the beach. They hang out, drink and take pictures; Rob and Jess get super friendly on a lounge chair. Jess says she’s flying to Bali after the season and asks Rob to come with her; he says “maybe” and takes a bunch of pictures of her while they carouse in the water. Hannah is on the boat recuperating, but every single person at the beach club (even the bartender and minivan drivers) thinks Hannah is lying about being sick. Sandy checks on Hannah, who tells Sandy she’s not doing well; in her confessional, Sandy says she’ll be there for Hannah, whatever she needs.

All the couples and Pete go to dinner, and they discuss Tom’s pedigree. He’s worked with Gordon Ramsay, and we see pictures of a young Tom and get some backstory. Tom seems like a good dude, and I’m sure he’ll be up to the task of being the Wellington’s chef. They discuss cabin arrangements at dinner: Rob will move in with Jess, and Tom with Malia; Bugsy says she is not okay with rooming with Hannah. Malia in her confessional says Bugsy should just get over it.

The next day, Hannah is still sick; Bugsy goes about doing things because Hannah didn’t give them instructions for the day. Malia says Hannah could have texted the stews… Malia then talks to Hannah about cabin arrangements; Hannah says rooming with Bugsy isn’t going to happen, but Malia says hopefully they’ll be professional about the situation.

Hannah talks to Bugsy, and they agree they shouldn’t room together. Hannah tells Malia they don’t want to change cabins, and Malia gets annoyed that they won’t accommodate her and Tom (and Rob and Jess). Speaking of Rob and Jess, Hannah says she shouldn’t have to cater to people who have been hooking up for 3 weeks; Malia gets more annoyed and tells Hannah to “man up” and share a cabin with Bugsy. I can see both sides here – Tom just kinda showed up and Hannah shouldn’t have to change rooms just to accommodate Rob and Jess. Malia says they need to make room for a new team member; Hannah says there is room for Tom… bunking with Rob!

Malia says “you hired Tom,” but Hannah fires back and says she didn’t hire Tom, which is 100% accurate. Hannah and Malia go back and forth; Malia calls Hannah a f***ing idiot in her testimonial. Sandy asks Malia what’s wrong, and Malia explains the situation. Sandy takes Malia’s radio and decrees Malia and Tom will be staying in Kiko’s old cabin, and Rob has to find a new place to go. Everyone basically laughs it off, except Hannah, who doesn’t hear Sandy because she’s on the dock with headphones in.

Malia, Hannah and Tom have a preference sheet meeting for the next (3-day) charter. The guests want a beach lunch one day, and an Arabian nights party on another… fun! Bugsy tells Hannah they’re going to be rooming together, and Hannah reluctantly says it’s okay.

Rob moves in with Jess, and Jess thinks it’s weird that she and Rob are effectively now living together; she says she doesn’t like the pressure. Not sure what she expected, there?

Malia says she doesn’t understand why people are afraid of Hannah; Malia definitely isn’t. So there’s tension between Malia and Hannah, and when Malia is cleaning our her bathroom stuff, she says “dammit”…. Hannah tells Tom to let her know if he needs anything as he’s setting up his galley, and that night they all blissfully sleep in their new cabins.

But that night, in the dark, we see Sandy get a text message (not explicitly from Malia… but it’s from Malia) that says “I’m sorry but I need to report this” with a picture of a package of Valium next to a case with the initials “HF.” The next morning, everyone gets up, and Sandy asks someone named David to “be there for the whole thing.” Hannah comes looking for Sandy; Sandy tells her to sit down because it’s been brought to her attention that Hannah has drugs on board, as “TO BE CONTINUED…” flashes across the screen.

Stray Thoughts:

  • Hannah and Alex discuss Bugsy, and Hannah can only say Bugsy’s good at table decor.
  • Bugsy tells us her sister actually hooked up Tom and Malia, and that yachting is indeed a small world!
  • Is the conspiracy theory that they wanted Tom to be the chef this season but he couldn’t do it, so they hired Kiko? When Tom became available, they fired Kiko and brought in Tom? This makes more sense than Kiko being fired for not being a great chef, because he was, for the most part (nachos and a few complaints aside). Though if this theory is true, the production company and all involved are diabolical geniuses!
  • Here’s some context, as you may be wondering (as was I) about boats and medication: Malia (on Twitter, I think) explained that anyone on a boat needs to let the captain/crew know if they are on medication; a person cannot take medication unless under the supervision of a medical officer on the boat, even if it’s a prescription for that person. The medical officer basically needs to clear the person for duty, and it was Malia’s obligation to report the drugs to Sandy, since she found them. So now things make a little more sense!
  • I’m guessing this is what prompts Sandy to say “I should have fired you years ago,” (paraphrased), but perhaps we’ll see next week! M
TV

Lots of Crazy Under the Umbrella

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[Spoilers for The Umbrella Academy]

“You look like Antonio Banderas with long hair. I just thought you should know.” Klaus Hargreeves to brother Diego, at an inopportune moment.

Netflix’s The Umbrella Academy has never been very concerned with the “how” of things. How do [any character]’s powers actually work? How does time travel work? How’d that character get there? Does this make the show less enjoyable? Not really, since it’s all very ridiculous, you just go with it. Season 2 picks up right where we left off, and ultimately gives us more of what we loved in season 1 with some big performances, shocking reveals, and an ending that perfectly sets up a potential season 3.

Recapping the season (here goes!):

After failing to prevent Vanya (Ellen Page) from blasting the moon and causing Earth’s destruction in 2019, Five (Aidan Gallagher) transports all the Hargreeves children back in time; however, they land in Dallas, Texas in different years: Klaus (Robert Sheehan) and Ben (Justin H. Min) in 1960, Allison (Emily Raver-Lampman) in 1961, Luther (Tom Hopper) in 1962, and Diego (David Castañeda), Vanya and Five in 1963.

Unsure of what happened to their siblings, the Hargreeves assimilate into life in the past. Five learns that, once again, the world will be destroyed in several days, and sees how this happens – JFK is never assassinated, and because of Vanya, there is a huge nuclear war with the Soviets that wipes everything out.

This time it’s not Vanya!

Five starts looking for his brothers and sisters and figuring out how to avoid another doomsday scenario. So where are the Hargreeves?

  • After dropping into 1963, Vanya is hit by a car and has amnesia; she only remembers her name. Sissy Cooper (Marin Ireland), the woman who hit her, takes her in on her farm, and Vanya lives there with Sissy and her family – husband Carl (Stephen Bogaert) and autistic son Harlan (Justin Paul Kelly). Vanya actually saves Harlan from drowning; she gives him mouth to mouth, and turns out, some of her powers…
Lila getting lied to
  • Diego is thrown into an asylum, where he meets Lila Pitts (Ritu Arya); the two decide to escape, and do – after a run in with Five and a trio of Swedish brothers who try to kill them… Diego and Lila hook up, until we learn what Lila is really up to.
  • Klaus has, naturally, started a cult! He and Ben live in a mansion in which Klaus’ followers live hippie lifestyles and follow his teachings – which are mostly song lyrics; the cult is called ‘Destiny’s Children’, after all.
  • Luther has started working for Jack Ruby, and MMA-style fighting in an underground ring. There he gets to show off his werewolf-y strength and make his boss lots of money.
  • Allison, after being chased by racist jerks, finds her voice again in Dallas’ African-American community. She meets Ray Chestnut (Yusuf Gatewood); the two get married and become civil rights activists.

After some time, the siblings find each other and figure out how to stop the nuclear destruction. Once again it’s Vanya at the center: she goes all “White Violin” and the still-alive JFK thinks she’s a Russian spy – her name is ‘Vanya’ and she speaks Russian – so all hell breaks loose. (At this point, if I were in Allison’s place, I’d have heard a rumor Vanya could NEVER USE HER POWERS AGAIN. #justsaying)

While things are going down in Dallas, we learn The Handler (Kate Walsh), who was viciously offed last season by Hazel (Cameron Britton), is not dead! Turns out she had a metal plate in her head (convenient!) and she recovers. She returns to The Commission and learns she’s been demoted; apparently AJ Carmichael, a fish in a jar attached to a man’s body (?), is now running the place.

The Handler comes to take over The Commission by making a deal with Five: if he kills the super secret directors board and she can assume control, she’ll get him and his family home. Five agrees, takes out the board, and returns the fish in a jar as her pet. Unfortunately, Five can’t gather all his siblings together, and they miss their chance to go back to 2019.

It’s revealed that The Handler is Lila’s adoptive mother and Lila has been working for her all along. The Handler had Five kill Lila’s parents because Lila is one of the special children born on the same day as the Umbrella Academy kids (!) and she wanted Lila’s powers for her own use. She’s also manipulating the Swedes – three brothers who have been popping in and out and killing people throughout the season, who work for the The Commission. The Handler sends the brothers to kill the Umbrella Academy, but two are killed; one via landmine by The Handler/Lila to frame Diego, and the other by Allison, who in self defense, rumors one brother to kill the other.

Back to the Hargreeves: they come across their adoptive father, Reginald (Colm Feore), not-a-robot “mom” Grace (Jordan Claire Robbins), and monkey-turned-butler Pogo. The kids don’t know it, but Reginald is a part of secret organization The Majestic 12… and also an alien. Yup, Papa Hargreeves isn’t human, people! We see him take off his human face, only from behind, but see that his head is definitely alien. He kills the members of the organization when they tell him he’ll be forever indebted to them or risk his secret being exposed. Reginald meets with his future kids briefly, but only seems to have use for Five; he gives Five the advice to start small with his powers, and instead of time traveling back decades, ‘try seconds.’

Yup, it’s Vanya again. Or is it?

Vanya is arrested for assaulting police officers while trying to run away with Sissy and Harlan; the FBI tortures her with electric shock, but all this does is piss her off and make her remember everything. She seems comatose, but goes all “White Violin” and gives off waves of energy, killing the people interrogating her. Ultimately Ben reaches her and calms her down; Ben in turns finally ‘moves on’ and asks Vanya to tell Klaus it wasn’t Klaus keeping Ben around – Ben was scared to move onto the spirit world.

Vanya is contained, and The Handler is alerted that there is a huge anomaly in the timeline; she looks at what it is, then calls in all the field agents to go to war. The anomaly, turns out, is Harlan! He’s now going all “White Violin” in the barn, and everyone goes to stop him.

The Handler shows up with Lila and hundreds of time agents; the agents are all taken out by Vanya, who now has much better control of her powers. Lila protects herself and her mother with her powers; Lila fights the Hargreeves, and The Handler goes to find Harlan. They realize Lila is one of the special children, and are all in barn telling her that mother has lied to and manipulated her all her life; as she’s realizing the truth, all the members of the Umbrella Academy are shot dead by The Handler with an automatic rifle. Lila asks her mother if it’s true and if she really loves her; The Handler shoots her dead too. She sees Five, alive and struggling, and goes to shoot him, but the last remaining Swede shows up and shoots The Handler dead.

Five takes the opportunity to ‘try seconds’ and uses his powers to go back in time just before The Handler started shooting. He stops her from killing everyone, but the Swede still shows up and shoots The Handler dead. Five and the Swede call a truce, and they race to Harlan. Vanya takes back the part of her powers she inadvertently transferred to him, and his powers subside.

The Hargreeves kids say goodbye to their lives in 1963; Sissy drives to New Mexico to start a new life with Harlan (who is levitating a toy in his hand in the back seat), and Ray reads a goodbye note Allison left for him. They use a briefcase from one of the dead time agents to finally get back home.

They teleport to the Umbrella Academy, and see the date is the day after the doomsday from the first season; they’ve won! Or have they? They walk into the parlor and notice Ben’s picture is hanging above the fireplace. An alive Reginald greets them, tells them he’s been expecting them, and that they’re at the Sparrow Academy. While children gather on the upper level looking down at them, a very much alive Ben comes in and asks who they are.

And that’s (most of) The Umbrella Academy season 2! For me it started a little slow but then picked up steam once the siblings found each other. The last scene was great, and I really hope they get to do a third season just for that cliffhanger.

Thoughts on the season:

  • Overall Grade: I liked it! B+ to A-
  • I really liked the approach of the siblings having to reconnect; it mirrored the first season, in which they hadn’t seen each other in years, but there was a sense that these characters integrated into this community and all chose such different paths. Of the storylines, I think Allison’s was the strongest, and Vanya’s the weakest.
  • Allison recuperating and regaining her physical voice, then becoming a voice for her community was just great. As a white dude, I can only imagine how black people must have felt when they saw signs in stores that said “Whites Only”; it was sad to watch how they were treated, and made me wonder why all the white people sitting around in a diner would tolerate that behavior? Also helping the story was the chemistry between Allison and Ray; they played perfectly off each other and were fun to watch, through it all.
  • Vanya’s story felt drawn out and contrived; the romance between Sissy and Vanya was so predictable you could guess every story beat: harried housewife meets stranger, wife hooks up with stranger, husband gets jealous, husband gets killed, wife gets to live her best life, blah, blah. It’s been done… a lot. When it first seemed like Sissy and Vanya would get together, I thought “Oh, Carl’s so dead” (though I’ll admit I thought Sissy would just shoot him!). I’d also ask when exactly Vanya became attracted to women, but it doesn’t matter. They could have cut the relationship stuff right out, and just had Harlan get Vanya’s powers and the story wouldn’t have changed at all.
  • On that note, I did think there was a bunch of stuff they could have cut out: the nerdy guy who got killed by the Swedes (Elliot?), Diego’s recruitment to The Commission, the 2 Fives bit. I think Luther and Klaus got sidelined a bit for Diego and Vanya, but it was great to see more Ben and The Handler, and I liked Lila and thought she fit in really well with the series.
  • Ben played a much bigger role this season, and it was nice to have him around more; whether inhabiting Klaus’ body, reconnecting with Diego, or talking Vanya off the ledge, he brought a different (more mellow) energy to the show.
Case in point.
  • I loved Kate Walsh as The Handler in season 1 and loved her even more in season 2. Not only does she look like she’s having the time of her life, but she manages to bring some nuance to this utterly crazy character who looks like she just stepped out of Wonderland. You really wonder just how nuts she is, and what she’s actually feeling, if anything. She ate a fish and spoke Swedish, for Pete’s sake! Cast this woman in everything – she can do it all! M

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The Last Man on Earth S2 E3

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Dead Man Walking

I had hoped that every season Carol and Phil would find new people to hang out with.That route probably would have been much more interesting (and provided the chance to bring in different actors/comedians) and much more funny. Instead they find the Tuscon crew in Malibu.

After accidentally killing Gail’s lover Gordon Vanderkruik (Will Ferrell) after scaring him in the last episode, Carol and the crew hold funeral on the beach. They welcome Carol back, and she tells them Tandy (still easily the worst nickname ever) is dead, from a fall off the Grand Canyon.

The Tuscon crew doesn’t seem to care that Tandy’s dead, and honestly who could blame them? As they’re on the verge of giving him another chance, Tandy comes in waving a gun in their faces. Whenever I want people to forgive me, I apologize at gunpoint, too. /sarcasm. Tandy ends the episode in stocks (yes, like medieval stocks), and apparently he’s going to stay that way until next week. Sigh.

Quotes:

Gail: (To Carol, about Phil) Did you scare him to death, too?
Carol: Well hardy har har, Phil. You’re like a regular Brad Garrett today.
Carol: Maybe hello would have been a little less… death-causing.

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Family Guy S14 E3

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Guy Robot

A pretty standard episode of Family Guy. Brian becomes a stand up comic and uses Stewie’s social media feed as material. Stewie builds a robot, Lyle, as a friend. Lyle, in turn, builds some robot friends for himself and they end up bullying Stewie. Lois and Peter get a new mattress, but after Lois won’t sleep with Peter on it, he goes to get the old mattress back. Brian destroys the robots, and Peter and Lois ditch the old mattress.

Miscellany:

H. Jon Benjamin voicing Carl impersonating Bob Belcher and Sterling Archer, all in the same voice, was amazing.
Children in trench coats pretending to be adults is still funny in 2015.
Meg was only seen from behind in a cutaway and not voiced in the episode.
Peter found a thrill on Blueberry Hill.

Quotes:

Peter: (Drunk) We act like we didn’t take a lot from The Simpsons, but we took A LOT from The Simpsons.
1950’s Doctor: (Referring to Joe) All cripples are insane. Euthanize this man!
Brian: It’s done; I sprayed them with the hose.

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Brooklyn Nine-Nine S3E3

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Boyle’s Hunch

The phrase “The bloom is off the rose” is what I think about when watching this show this season. It’s still funny, but the 2 previous seasons were just – funnier. It’s enjoyable, but I don’t find myself laughing. This week they abandoned the “Who’s the Captain this week” gag, which I thought had a lot of potential, even though Bill Hader and Dean Winters weren’t exceptionally funny, IMO. We’ll see how and when Holt gets back to the 9-9, but hopefully they’ll have some knock-out guest stars before that happens.

Boyle meets his perfect woman – sorry, Mary Lou Henner – in Genevieve (Mary Lynn Rajskub), who is unfortunately on the wrong side of the law. He and Jake get on the case to clear her name, after making up a song to the melody (?) of Fergie’s My Humps, naturally. They prove her innocence and save the day…

Holt asks Amy to be part of the NYPD’s new positive image campaign, much to her delight and Gina’s annoyance. It fails, and he comes up with a very modern take on the very real NYPD. Gina’s reactions were the highlight of this story, and makes me want her back at the 9-9 ASAP.

Rosa and Terry try to figure out who’s stealing ice cream at the precinct; Hitchcock and Scully are the prime suspects. Hilarity doesn’t ensue.

Miscellany:

Jake gets a spider-partner with questionably funny names.
Rosa likes Moose Tracks ice cream, thanks to Marcus.
James Urbaniak (as Genevieve’s ex Nick) is everywhere these days!

Quotes:

Rosa: Step one: put a delicious pie in the fridge and cover it with poison.
Terry: That’s step one? What’s step two?
Rosa: Tell their widows they were thieves.

Gina: Because this campaign, like 3 out of 5 Backstreet Boys, is inconsequential.

Jake: If she farts in that thing, does it blow up like a balloon?

Gina: It’s tacky to take credit for stuff.

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The Simpsons S27 E3

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Puffless

This episode opens with a nice callback to Mrs. Bouvier’s Lover with Burns and Grampa vying for Jacqueline’s affections! Patty and Selma find out their dad actually died of lung cancer and vow to stop smoking. Selma falls off the wagon, so Patty moves in with The Simpsons – more specifically, Maggie. In the end Patty goes back to the status quo, and all is right with the world.

Meanwhile, Maggie has a special (and whimsically animated!) adventure with some animal pals. This is very reminiscent of the short before The Simpsons Movie; this time Maggie and an animal crew rescue a possum from Cletus and family. Nothing of note here, except this was the B-storyline of the episode, and perfectly fun to watch.

Miscellany/Fun:
Jon Lovitz voices a cigarette with a lonely Selma.
Homer bleaches his (and Bart’s) eyes to avoid Patty in the shower.
Spider-Pig (Harry Plopper?) returns!

Quotes:
Homer: No one out fats me!
Disco Stu: Disco Stu needs a Zoloft or two.